lil c,
bell hooks has this interview. she talks about how love is a bench. love is a bench because it doesn’t demand anything; it is simply just there if you need a rest, to take a moment to lean on. it’s dependent. consistent. sturdy. withstandable. you know what you’re getting into when you get ready to sit on a bench.
in most ways, that is exactly what i strive to be for you.
i want to be someone you can always come back to, and think to yourself, “this is my safe space.” you can come exactly as you are and feel seen, comforted, genuinely loved. i want to be the embodiment of a best friend.
man, i have been crying so much these past couple of days. just randomly crying my eyes out, thinking about how i am days away from loosing the person who means the absolute most to me and knows me the absolute best. scared for what the future may bring.
but im the very other side of that, with much stronger conviction, i feel myself being grounded. like quite literally: there is an immediate stabilizing of my crazy feelings and i am reminded that none of that is going to happen. this is what’s actually happening: me and my best friend really love each other. like with all of our hearts. we see a beautiful future with one another. but life is happening right now. and it’s filled with a lot of uncertainty. elections. education. travel. no one really knows anything for certain. but what the two girls do know is that, in the midst of all uncertainty, they themselves need to be sound and comfortable. secure in their own direction. peddling forward in preparing the future they see in their lives.
because of how much the world is changing. and how intensely these girls put the focus on each other. they need to realign with themselves, to better focus on their individual missions. that’s the only way they will be able to come together for their future dreams. is if they live out the present to their hearts desires, understand their hearts desires, and spend enough time with themselves to understand their approach. put in effort to genuinely love everything about themselves. and when they do, they can think to themselves, “i am ready to share this love with someone else now.” with my best friend. and their love can grow in a healthy, balanced, and intentional way.
but until both girls take space. their efforts of maintaining the love required for a healthy foundation of a future will always come up short. because the key components of individual self love and life mission will be incomplete. this doesn’t mean the girls cannot love each other in the meantime, but the love shouldn’t cross a line until they are both ready to step forward together.
so what i mean to say by all of this, lupe, is that i deeply respect your individual journey. and i am excited and a little anxious about living out my individual dreams. i know that us both taking this time is so critical for our futures. while it is sad, my emotions just lead me to a higher understanding everytime. i just can’t be upset. i am grateful, if anything, to be grounded in something so special – and worth being intentional and disciplined for.
i will love you always, with every ounce of my being. and i look forward to you loving yourself just as much. and vice versa for me. and us coming together one day to just bask in that love and mutual understanding. to be able to build the rest of our lives brick by brick. but until that day lil loza, i keep our memories close; i cherish our present experiences; and just like the bench, i am always here for you. strong. sturdy. dependable.
with love always,
fall
