Hey Siri, play computer love. Wait – I mean it. Don’t come back here until that song is playing in the background. Anyways, I stepped into my digital analog bag when you originally went to Spain to study abroad. Had to mix up communications with an email. Well, here is a sneak peek of those. With a few poems in between.
8:30 PM in ONT – Jan 18, 2024, 8:30 PM
Hi Lupey,
I thought sending you an email would be the most beautiful format of adoration. I just wanted to have some space to clearly articulate myself.
When we met early on, I introduced the world vulnerability. This word was more so a signal to you. A note stating that even though my vocal cues may not be the best, I hope my actions aligned to show you that you are someone I do want to be vulnerable with. Someone whose thoughts and options I cherish.
So when I held you in my arms this beautiful weekend and listened to you inquire about if i was even interested in talking to you, it really sent off signals that I wasn’t fully showing up as a partner for you. That I don’t vocally communicate. You deserve me showing up as my best. I love every part of you, every aspect of spending time with you and that’s something that you should never question. If you ever do question it, I am here to provide all the reassurance.
I have recognized this area of improvement and I am actively working on techniques. Genuinely, there is no other person who I feel more connected to. So anything I can do to show up better, I will.
I love you unconditionally Lupe. I foresee a beautiful feature with you. I recognize the stories I tell you are only just a glimpse of what you could know. Just now that I am actively trying to share more of myself with you. That I am interested in learning every part of you.
You can always count on me.
You mentioned how today was the first day you cried and I did not. (I did cry today just not in FaceTime lol) The reasoning for this is because I know how important study abroad is. You’re adventurous, and you love to travel. I wholeheartedly support you in that exploration desire. I also trust you and I feel really secure in this relationship. Every major thing that comes up I try to communicate. So I have faith and confidence in us. I miss you real bad but I am devoted to you just as you were here, and our sweet memories fill my heart with joy frequently when you cross my mind. So when I miss you, I try not to get sad but be grateful. You are the most special person to be experiencing genuine love with.
You mean the world to me Lupe.
Whatever decisions you feel empower your life, I support.
With lots of love,
Fall
Jan 24, 2024, 9:27 AM
My Dearest Fall,
I apologize for my delay in answering this beautiful proclamation of love and adoration. Fall, you never realize how much these mean to me, I cherish every message, every email, every note, every comment you address to me. Your words warm my heart and fuel me to become the best version of myself because I never would want to disappoint the woman I love so dearly. But, I know I am lucky. The luck I received by being loved by you and more importantly the opportunity to love you is one I will never take for granted. I promise to love you every day. To affirm you. To best show up for you in whatever way you need at any point. I am excited to grow with you, change with you, and transform with you. Life is uncertain and scary. I am scared of changes, but I know one thing for certain. My love for you will never change. And that will always be something I am comforted by. The knowledge that I will always love you unconditionally and I am here to stay in your life Fallyn.
Reflecting on our sixth-month relationship (teehee), it is the most genuine form of love I have experienced. The thought of you never leaves my mind and I jump at any opportunity to mention you. Your sweetness, warm memories, our dreams, and aspirations. I catch myself daydreaming during class or before sleeping about our future. Waking up next to you, journaling together, cooking together, cleaning together, laughing together, getting dressed together. Your soft kisses that make my heart flutter and continue to give me butterflies. Goosebumps on my body only you can activate. Cherishing and worshiping every part of you, your soul, and the physical. I have never craved simply laying down with someone in silence as I do with you. Playing with your hair and talking about our silly stories. I promise to always prioritize these moments, Fall. However, I too am very excited to share these fundamental moments like having our love internationally 😀 or playing house in Zion. Whatever you need, I will do my best. To make you happy, to make you giggle, to make you feel loved.
I love you endlessly y para siempre.
Lupe <3
717 April Poem –
Mi Amorcito,
I finished this poem at exactly 7:17. The timing is always a sign from the universe so I decided to investigate. Here is a short excerpt to go asking with the poem I wrote. Let it be the next theme of this chapter in our relationship.
Excerpt
717 is about appreciating what you have and strengthening that bond between you and your partner. “Being with someone means falling in love with them over and over. The love you have is there but is also meant to be expanded upon.”
7:17 Poem
I wish I could pull out an empty canvas.
Paint out my love for you in the most artistic way.
Etch my name into the borders.
Stain the surface with my intentions.
Then, kneel at the canvas with gratitude.
For I know that everything in my heart was poured out before you.
Neatly. Without Facade. Simple. True.
Oh, how I wish I had a more extensive vocabulary range to announce my love for you.
For it is vast, timeless, pure.
I lay awake at night wondering how to show up better for us.
How to more develop your trust.
Kiss your heart. Stroke your cheek.
Lay awake at night while you hear it beat.
Drum, drum, drum. My love. It only beats for you.
Trying my best everyday to open more of it.
To truly show you.
All of me.
TMinus 6 Days – May 26, 2024, 9:10 AM
My Dearest Lupe,
Top of the morning.
As I sit here and write this, I am cooking (one) of your favorite meals. Breakfast potatoes. I reflect on why I cooked them: I cooked them because I thought of you. You are frequently my inspiration.
We move into our first apartment in six days, and I couldn’t be happier. The beauty of this is revealed in the overlapping of our anniversary just about one week from when we move in together. I constantly feel the need to write you a (love) email. Some time has passed since the last one, but these are the best ways for me to express myself to you at times. So, I will continue to do so.
This email won’t be filled with simple truths about how much you mean to me. How much I care for you. How I see the whole world in your eyes when I look at you. How much I am looking forward to building on our love so we can grow to be healthy, happy, and married one day.
No, no no.
I would rather talk about something a bit more difficult than our love. That is: our hard times. The seasons where we struggled a bit more in our union. A healthy relationship requires two individuals to be in tune with one another. Chatting, spending time together doing nothing, communicating about any and everything, being eachothers best friend. That’s what a healthy relationship looks like for me. I believe that it looks similar for you too.
There were three big moments for me where I struggled deeply. The first, unfortunately, was your birthday. The second was coming to grips with the long distance. The final was confirming housing in DC. I want to take the time to go over all three of these. Not to bring up bad feelings, but just to articulate myself so you truly know where I am coming from now – and how I am trying every day not only to be a better person for myself, but to give this relationship the time, love, and attention that it deserves.
Birthday
Your birthday was one of the first real fights that we had. No need to rehearse the specifics, but I will tell you what I learned. When we got home, and it was time to talk things out – I felt stuck. I felt stuck before because I never learned how to communicate while under emotional distress.At the same time, I also felt guilty. It was your birthday and even if my feelings were hurt, part of me knew that I should have just waited until the next day to talk about it with you. It was incredibly selfish of me to take away your happiness on your day like that.
You had tears in your eyes when you asked me, “Why do you think I want to hurt you? I never would hurt you on purpose, I care about you so much.” That moment forced me to face the reason behind why I was operating that way. Always on the defense. It was past trauma that was affecting my present. You have always treated me with kindness and the best intentions. You didn’t deserve the way I was reacting. From then on, I promised myself to always assume you were coming from a good place and that communication was the issue me and you were fighting together: not against each other.
I apologize that I had to hurt you in order to learn that lesson.
Long Distance
Long distance was rough for the both of us, but I have always been dedicated to you. Looking through the fights you would start because you miss me – there was love. I have never been in a committed girlfriend relationship before. I know I often fell short of your expectations. Through that though, you communicated with me. I figured out what and how to show up for us better.
To show you how much I care though action was difficult because the normal methods simply did not translate to long distance. After our arguments at times, it would be the middle of the day and I would just be stuck with feeling like I wasn’t doing anything right. Like I could never show up how you needed me too. Always falling short of what I should be. I still feel like that sometimes. But I am really glad that the long distance is over so we can work though that in person together.
Summer 2024 Housing
I was really selfish in regards to this situation. Extremely selfish. After doing lots of distance for 4+ months, the one thing I was looking forward to was being able to spend the summer with you. When you told me the news, I wanted to be happy, but behind that I was so sad because I knew we weren’t going to be able to be together as planned. That I was going to get even less time with you because you would be working 40 hour work weeks.
I also had the worst summer of my life living in DC and I was carrying those emotions of just not wanting to go back for those reasons. It was really shitty emotionally at the time. Then I also felt guilty. I knew that I should be ecstatic for you. You finally got the opportunity that would be so good for your career. I, as your girlfriend, should be the happiest for you. You deserved for me to be the happiest for you.
I am really glad that we were able to communicate. But I am also disappointed in myself for the emotional toll that I took on you. I realized the stress I put you under when you were telling me. This situation made me want to be less stubborn and more flexible for the journey of our love together. I love you unconditionally, no matter the city, country, time zone. It is so important for me now to fully show you that, and to always show up to give you my support.
Te amo para siempre.
Now what was the lesson in all of this? Living together this summer will be beautiful, but everything comes with ups and downs. I genuinely don’t know how those will showcase themselves when we are living in the same house. I want you to know that even if we go through some rough times, anytimes in the future, that you are my best friend Lupe. I love you with all of my heart, and I would do (almost lmao) anything for you. I will never stop trying to problem solve ways for us to connect and communicate better. I never want us to fall into “routine.” This summer will be absolutely beautiful for us to grow in love together.
I love you so much. I can’t wait to spend more time with you.
Love always,
Fall
1am in Chicago – Jun 15, 2024, 10:56 PM
dear lupe,
the sweetest blessing that God has given me is you.
every day we spend together, i am reminded of why i would choose you to be my soul mate in a thousand lifetimes. you don’t have to do anything special. you being exactly who you are is perfect for me.
those captivating eyes.
that beautiful soul.
your warm embrace.
everyday i pray to grow to become the person that is the most healthy for you. i promise to always try my best to problem solve.
you mean the world to me.
i will never stop until i show you that though my actions.
here for you always.
para siempre.
love,
fall
You’ve Got Mail- Jan 27, 2025, 3:45 PM
Dear Lupe,
I will be void of your comfort as I drift off to sleep tonight.
Not just for one night, but two.So let me send this email to remind you.
If how adored
Cherished.
Loved.
Genuinely.Heartfelt.Cared about.
That you are to me.You are my world.
My favorite girl.
Not an ounce of love from any other being compares to yours.I am deeply ecstatic, grateful
To have you in my lifeOne day, as my wife.
In the meantime – my best friend, confidant, soulmate.Te amo.
For the rest of my life,
Te amo con todo mi corazón.Besos.
Fall <3